I became "self-aware" in 2022. I've had mental health struggles for as long as I can remember, even before I had the language to describe it that way. I've had various kinds of therapy over the years ever since early adulthood. I have always had a sense that something was wrong, my life has often been unbearably painful.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD in 2018. I've had generalized anxiety for years and occasional depression as well. But, I grew up in a family that was so toxic and abusive that I didn't necessarily think I was abnormal or particularly toxic.
As I made my way through my thirties, I found myself increasingly triggered, having lots of flashbacks to childhood. While my rages and violent behavior and impulsiveness had reduced since my twenties, my relationships were suffering and I was in bouts of the worst pain and depression I had been in since adolescence.
My partner was aware of the mental illness present in my parents. He gently suggested to me once that, like my parents, I may have narcissistic tendencies. That really pissed me off. I felt that I was nothing like them and DEFINITELY nothing like these monsters being talked about all across social media. I listed all the reasons why that was ridiculous to which he replied, "Narcissism is a spectrum."
As time went on I was learning more and more about CPTSD and so there were other mental health conversations coming across my radar. I happened one night to scroll across a woman on TikTok with BPD and NPD, amongst other things. Those videos changed my life. As I listened to her describe things she would do to people around her, the way her mind worked, her reasoning, her patterns, it was like a veil lifted away for a moment-I could see MYSELF for the first time, as though from the outside, through her actions. I could easily see how toxic her behavior was and I could also see how it was JUST, LIKE, MINE.
I ended up in Dialectical Behavior Therapy with a new therapist who diagnosed me with BPD with a small side of NPD. LOL. Sometimes I am able to grasp on to self-awareness and other times my brain is trying to hard to protect me and I cannot view myself subjectively. These are not easy disorders, for myself or those around me. But knowing where to even start has been huge.
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